Dear “Fantasy,”

You really had me. You had me at the first hello. The first “Oh, you’re just saying that so you can sit next to me.” The first chocolate milk. The first day laying about without a care in the world, holding my hand, making me feel like I was the most special girl on planet earth. Telling me that sometimes guys are going to screw me over, and giving the courage to finally tell that one boy, that he really did hurt me. The first day of going to the park, or racing you back and quite honestly winning. You being cold and hiding under the bed sheet, while your best friend made his changes. The days where even though I said I wanted nothing, I was still forced to get at least one thing. The days where my laugh, for the first time in a very long time, genuinely meant something. When wrestling on the ground, getting scared out of my wits was what I looked forward too. The days where I’d fall asleep crying, because I nor anyone else knew what was wrong with my mom, and you told me everything was going to be okay. The day where I was walking through the living room and my dad asked, “Are you in love?”  “Yes.”

I handed you my stories, not to make you fall in love with me. I gave them to you, because for once I thought someone could stick around. I thought, I really thought, that my best friend was going to be the one. I thought about things that I never thought possible for me. Weddings, kids…Hope. I poured my heart to a word processor, hoping that maybe one day you’d read, and understand. That maybe I’d get my fairytale.

You told me that you were glad that I gave you my story; that you understood. “You gave me your every secret, and I understand that, that’s hard.” That we had things to talk about, and that’s when I got my fairytale glimmer of hope. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you, I never want to hurt you.” You had nothing to talk about. In fact you proceeded to tell me that you liked my best friend, but won’t ever date her, because it’d hurt me, or hiding kisses, or new girls,  or avoiding me. Trust me you didn’t hurt me. You took my every emotion and broke me down; and mentally and emotionally ruined me.

I stayed home every single day, waiting for the day you’d come around and tell me, you love me. But all my “I love you” did was drive you away. I can’t say you loved me, or love me. But I can say that I love you more then any other girl has, with every bit of your stories that you told me. About your family, friends, girls, and even with the crazy girlfriend told me I was nothing, and that you’d never love me. I never left. I told you how much it hurt. The night that I was told that everything was going to work out, crying my eyes out, telling your best friend how absolutely worthless I felt, how discusting I felt in my own skin, that I was convinced no one would ever love me because “he will never love you” and she was right. You stopped coming around. I started to become a game. “DAMNIT, who told you?” “I’m sorry, It was a mistake.”

No. The first mistake of mine was laying on the floor texting, while you laid in bed flirting it up in bed with your ex-girlfriend, while the girl who was quite obviously in love with you was lying on the floor, and walking away crying. The girl who came to your birthday, and stayed there while you may or may not have slept with some girl. The girl who is writing a long letter of all the reasons she should walk away from the guy she still can’t fall out of love with, but knows she can’t wait forever.

I know that girl wasn’t worth it. I know she screwed you over, and quite honestly I cried because this time I couldn’t be there and say it’s okay. I had to watch you be sabotaged again, to watch you drop your heart, because the girl you loved, she killed you. I watched from afar, and watched you join in a relationship with our passed best friend. That was the best part, it really was. I got to put on some make-up for that one, to cover up those puffy red eyes. Its always nice to see the one you love say they love two people in one day, and neither of them be you. The movie kiss, the reverse day, the park. The truth, it was never you. You were always the glass sweeper for the broken heart. The glass sweeper who never got to sweep up their own heart.

I want to still love you. I always will, but if I sit around and wait, I’d be far more twisted then I thought I was. I’m still here. I’m still waiting, but I can’t wait forever. By the time, I’m done writing this, I’m done waiting. I’m ready for someone who really does care. Someone who understands. Someone who will never hurt me.

My “fantasy” I love you, but I must let go of you. I’m here to talk, but never for a lie or another heartbreak.’

From,

Kenz

PS. This was written in December. This is pretty old, but still it means something to me.

Finally.

I’ve been struck with it. I’ve finally figured out why you meant so much to me. Why I was so willing to put my every emotion on the line for you.

Even when it’s the slightest look, the slightest comment, my day is turned upside down. I’m instantly happy, not matter how bad my day had been.

No matter how many times I say I’m not in love with you. No matter how many times I say I was never in love with you. It’s never true. I’ve figured out that you do not have to be in a relationship with someone to be in love with them. I spent so much time desperately trying to get you to fall in love with me, and to be in a relationship, that I almost forgot the most important part of falling in love. The part where you make memories you’ll never forget. You do things you never thought you would. You take chances, huge ones. You open yourself up completely, almost like Open Heart Surgery.

When the surgery begins, they cut you open, and operate on the most vital part of your body. Without your heart you do not live. You’re trust the surgeon to get you out alive and well. When the truth is, you have a 50% chance of making it out of there alive. When you fall in love, You have a 50% of coming out happy and well. Most often it doesn’t come out that way. In fact it’s been almost a whole year since I said I was happy.

Funny thing is, the last time I said I was happy, I was with you. I was talking to you. I was in love with you.

From,

KenzieBaker

PS. I’m going to post the love letter I wrote a couple months ago. It’s quite personal, but I’m ready to put it out here.

This is short and very simple.

At least I’m not a whore ;D

from,

KenzieBaker

You know it’s funny…

Cause I could say a million times how much I hate you, and what you did to me. But the thing is I don’t hate you. I don’t. I simply can’t. I guess of all the things I’ve  been wrong about, I finally know that I’m right. That I’m always right when it comes to you. Everything about you, I’m right. I miss that, I miss being right. I miss seeing you everyday. I miss laying next to you. I miss holding your hand. I miss the long walks and talks. I miss flipping our hair in each others faces. I miss laughing so hard about the stupidest things. I miss tripping each other for the fun of it. I miss being carefree, and not worrying about what was coming next. I miss having someone to talk too. I miss having the shoulder to cry on, and the warm hugs that would always take my day and make it right. I miss being one of your best friends. I miss us. I miss you. I miss a lot. I guess tonight just put that into perspective for me. I thought I was happy again, that I was floating on Cloud 9. But I’m not. I’ve just gotten so good at lying, that even I believe it now. I’m not happy. I wasn’t before. The last time I was happy, truly happy was last year on the last day of school. That was by far one of the best days of my life. Funny enough, It was also the last day that I can say we were truly best friends. That we could talk, and it not be extremely awkward. That we could hug, and expect it to happen again sometime soon. The day where we didn’t know that, Goodbye, meant forever. I do miss you, Sky. I do, and I’m sorry I let you go. Now that it’s been practically a year, The truth is, there’s no going back. There isn’t. We are not friends. We do not talk. We only remember last year. We only remember our friendship. I only remember that I still love you. That I always will. I only remember that I wish I could saved our friendship before it went into a hole. I’m sorry. I am. I guess any little memory of us, sets off stuff like this. Where I just get really upset, and wish I would’ve did something when I still could. I wish I could talk to you right now. I do. I wish I could still tell you all this. I wish I could get one of those hugs, the ones that lit up my whole world..

From,

KenzieBaker

Superstar;; Never Say Never

That was it; all the posters were down, and safely hidden in the caves of my closet. It was 8:50, ten minutes until he was going to be at my window. I took my hairbrush out and brushed through my golden brown hair. My smile was growing every second in anticipation. Just then I heard the car door shut, the boy I’d dreamt about meeting for what seemed like forever was right outside my window. I opened the window, and leaned down pointing at the vine-covered ladder. I laughed lightly as climbed the wall, “Well, you’re here early,” I joked as he climbed through the window, “But I’m glad you made it.” Elijah looked at me with a slight grin perched on his face, “Yea, me too.”

I sat on my bed, patting the spot next to me, “So, how does this work? The whole sneaking out thing?” He laughed at me, “You’ve never done it? Never snuck out?” I looked down; of course I hadn’t little miss Lillian was pretty naïve, “Nope…” I gave him a smile, and poked his side, “But I meant like for you. How do you sneak out without people noticing? Isn’t it hard?” He looked at me and licked his lips, “It’s hard, but the thing is, you’ve got to pick the hotels with connected parking garages. They never think to look in the one place you’re bound to go.” He grinned, “But it’s worth it, I mean after working all day, would you really want to stay in a hotel room all night?” I sighed, “I guess not, I mean I’m glad you were able to come here tonight, because there was no way I was getting out.” I smiled, “Anyways, how was your day? Minus the minimal hearing loss.” He chuckled, “Pretty good, press days are pretty laid back for the most part, and I also got to meet this girl named Lily, so overall the day went pretty good.” I lightly hit his arm, “Hmm, Lily, she must have really stood out from the crowd.” I winked at him and smiled, “She did. She really did.” A blush spread through my cheeks, “She stood out enough for me to want to know her, and know more then just her lovely first name.” A smile broke free, “Really? Well, I met this really awesome guy today, his name is Elijah. Seems like both our days went pretty swell.” He face lit up as he smiled, “Well I’m glad you met him, wait what was your name again? I forgot…” I tried my best to hold back the smile, “Lily, and yours? It slipped my train of thought, sorry.” He came closer to me and whispered, “Elijah.”

We looked at each other, and we both knew right there and then. This wasn’t going to be a fling. This was going to be real. Elijah Thomas and Lillian Dakota might actually work out. “You know… Lily, I want this to work. This you and I talking, and hanging out thing.” I brought my hand to his, “Yea, I do too.” I smiled at him, and I could feel the rush of butterflies through my stomach. Until now, in this very moment, I didn’t believe in love at first sight. Well, real love at first sight to be more precise, “You and I can make this work, it doesn’t matter how far away you are.” He smiled, and relaxed. I put the covers over me, and brought myself closer to him. I could hear the beginning of the all to over used, yawn and arm over shoulder trick about to happen. I brought myself over to his chest, and felt his hand at my side, “I see it this way, summer is less then a month away. Less then a month till we can hang out and talk as much as we want. I think we can deal for a month.” He laughed lightly, “Yea, I agree, a month is nothing. Challenge accepted.”

Superstar;; Turning Page

 

I came out of the crowd, mind racing on the possibilities of what could be on that tiny slip of paper. Take care of this? What is so un-important that he’d have a fan take care of it for him? I got in the car, and of course my mom wanted the low down. What happened? Did you get hurt? Was it fun? How close did you get? I told her everything, except the most essential part of the story, the folded page. The folded page that had a million possibilities on what it could do to me, or maybe him. After we pulled into the driveway and pulled the car to a stop, I jumped out and ran up the stairs to my room. I lay down on my fluffed purple comforter, and feared the fact that soon, I’d have to open the note. I pulled it from my pocket, and pulled at the torn edges. I slowly opened it, and my eyes flew wide open only after reading the first line.

Why would little ol’ Elijah Thomas want a girl like me?I set the note down next to me, and a smile spread across my face. At the moment, I didn’t care why. I just cared, that he wanted to know me. Of all the million girls out there, he wants to know me. I picked up my phone off the side night table, and clicked it on. I went into the phone app, and typed in the 10 simple numbers; that weren’t all too simple in how they’d affect the rest of my life. I added a name, and entered it in. My mind ran rampid with the silly little things. I was forgetting simple things, like how to say hi. I had to tell him my first name, because that’s what he wanted wasn’t it? He wanted to know it. I opened a text message, and typed it in. Lillian, Lily for short, is what I sent off to him. I expected it to be forever for him to reply, but less then a minute later, he was back for more. Well Lillian, I love your name. My heart skipped a beat. He loved my name. Well, I love Elijah too; so at least we have something in common, we like each other’s names. I forwarded the message to him. I could hear my mom under my floorboards, yelling dinner was ready. Quite frankly, I wasn’t in the mood to eat. I was too happy to move. My screen blinked with his name, Haha, yea. I guess that’s a good start. Lily, do you think I could talk to you, in person before I leave? I just need to talk to you, to see you again. My face blushed.

My mom was at my door, “Hey, Lil it’s dinner time hunny.” I looked up at her, “Okay thanks mom, I’ll be down in a second.” I opened the messages back up, and scrolled through my mind what I should reply, yes or no. Simple answer really. Yea, I kind of want to see again, it’d be nice to talk to you, and not have a million girls around me I giggled a bit, and put my feet on the floor and headed down for dinner. Spaghetti was the meal for tonight; as long as I ate at least half I’d be clear for the rest of the night. I grabbed a plate and sat down at the table. When I sat down, and could feel my phone going off. He was back again, Haha yea, same here. How bout tonight? I’ll come to your house, then there’s no chance of anyone following me, or of you not coming because of your mom I blushed a bit, and looked up to eat some of the noodles that were sporadically placed on the plate. I replied back with my address, and a simple request that he come through my window. The window had ladder with vines wrapped around it. Easy climbing material. Okay, I’ll be there at 9. See you soon Lily I pushed my plate away. I couldn’t eat with all the nerves I had, and plus I had an hour to strip my room of posters; Elijah Thomas posters to be more precise.

Superstar;; Long Live

“I said remember this moment, in the back of my mind.”

The day had finally come. The day that many others and I had been waiting for. The day in New York City where we gathered together on a small city street to get a glimpse, just a glimpse, of our favorite stars. We aren’t guaranteed more then just standing in a crowd of people that are there for the same thing. The crowd formed, and even managed to shut down the street. The moment came when the one person that everyone had been waiting for waltzed into the middle of the crowd, and took his microphone. Elijah Thomas, the man who in only a couple months had gone from virtually unknown to wanted worldwide. He’d captured the hearts of girls across the globe. He was on the cover of every magazine. He sat down, and answered the questions as if he were talking to an old friend. Then was the moment when the crowd got to ask questions; and my hand flew straight up. I was the last to be picked, and I didn’t have some phony “Will you marry me?” question. I cared about the boy that was about to portray my beloved character. 

“So Elijah, Are you ready for this? Like really ready for this.” I took my hand and motioned it towards the beaming crowds. The girls and boys alike that stayed all night just to get a glimpse of him.

“I don’t think anyone is equipped to be ready for this, but I’m defiantly ready to try the best that can to be ready for this.” That was it, that was all he had to say and the crowds were set ablaze. The screaming, crying, and pure joy shined through the crowd. He went back over to his chair, but looked back. He wasn’t looking at the girl on my right, or the girl on my left. He was looking at me with a look I’ve never seen before. He shook his head, and his eyebrows creased in. The interviewer turned the show back over to the main studio, and thanked him for his time. When he was released to leave, his manager and agent came to him. They were motioning him that he had to leave, that there was no time to spend with his adoring followers. Just before he left, it happened again. He turned and looked at me. He said something to his manager, and started walked towards the crowd. They went wild, and even with them screaming, his eyes never left mine. Not once. He reached me, and pulled out a small piece of paper. It didn’t have a signature, or any of the fancy quotes. He finished it, folded it up, and handed it to me. He leaned in, and whispered into my ear, “Take care of this for me, please.” He turned and left with his team. My heart raced, a million and one times.

The Love Letter.

Dear Lost Love,

I hate the fact that it only took me a couple days to fall for you. I was trapped in a world where there was no escape in sight. Some say that it is impossible to love now, at this age. Before you I believed them; that I wasn’t capable of love. I hate that with you I was vulnerable. Being so vulnerable was honestly quite terrifying. But becoming that way made the happiest I had ever been. I began to live more freely; I took more chances. Even though I never got the chance to be more then your best friend, I can’t say I regret letting myself fall in love with you. Because of you, I learned what love felt like, and how to pick up the broken pieces after love has left. I learned things that will one day keep me from making the wrong choices, and holding on to something that doesn’t want to be held on too. I hope one day, in the future, you will realize that I really did love you; that it wasn’t just some high school crush.

From,

The girl who walked away from love.

All Fall Down.

You know what’s fun?

Like really fun?

Feeling alone.

Like if you needed/wanted to talk to anyone,

you don’t have anyone to talk to.

When everyone you told things to disappeared,

when they told you, they NEVER would.

When you cry because you had to wake up from Dreams,

not from sleeping, even though that’s nice.

But from Dreams. Why dreams?

Why have I been having Dreams so frequently now?

I think it’s my mind compensating.

When I’m dreaming, I go on daring adventures, and have long talks with people I know I’ll never meet.

People that have to listen, because they’re all made up and are controlled by my mind.

I don’t know if it’s considered sad, or just out right crazy that my mind is doing this,

But at least someone’s listening, someone understands how I feel right now.

Even if I can never really give them a hug, or say “Thank You.”

 

From,

KenzieBaker

Guard Final.

this song?

OR

This Song?

OR

Obviously it’s going to be a Hunger Games themed dance (unless I go with the Peter Pan one)

From,

KenzieBaker